Monday, November 23, 2009
Sausages has a job in a large corporation that should be nothing but fuel for blog posts about stupid people and their stupid procedures.
I deal with stupid people all the time and should have countless stories to fill a post here or there.
We live lives, we have experiences, we win baseball pennants, we support teams that may or may not have won the World Series.
(”Hey Sausages, Can you imagine a Yankees / Giants WS? That would be very embarrassing for you and would bring me much Schadenfraude. etc”)
Yet, despite all of this we fail to keep all our wonderful fans up to date on what it’s like to be us. The truth is, we’re too busy with our heads in our hands, crying over the confusing state of our lives to tell you where to get the best Mexican meal outside of Mexico and what it was REALLY like to spend a night with Derek Jeter*.
So excuse us for having lives and despair.
* OK, so we stayed up ALL NIGHT watching all six Herbie movies and giving them scores out of ten. We watched them in alphabetical rather than chronological order because that’s the way he likes to do that. During Herbie Goes Bananas (Vincent McEveety, 1980) we ate banana splits. During Herbie: Fully Loaded (Angela Robinson, 2005) we called up Lindsay Lohan to give us a hands-free commentary. It was a fantastic night.
I’m amazed how life can flip you from moments of surrealism, to doldrums of bland, uninspiring, uniform dullness.
It was only a week ago I spent time swimming with the fishes – in a good way. Snorkeling circles around coral reefs in Hawaii, we were joined by a pod of 25 dolphins swimming calmly below. As we swam after them, these smiley creatures would periodically swim through us to the surface, take a couple of breathes of air, and scamper on down to the blue ocean depths.
Fast-forward to THIS very Sunday morning. Cloudy, rainy outside, and I’m trapped inside an appliance store shopping for a new fridge and washing machine. Should I go with the 403l v 440l fridge? What does an extra 37l get me? Who measures the inside of fridges in litres? And why? How the fuck do they measure it? Some idiot fills it with water? Really? Other than spinning more crap out of your clothes, is the extra $300 between a 800rpm and 1000rpm washing machine really worth it? What the fuck am I going to do with a free 6 month supply of detergent? Wash everyone’s clothes?
I DON’T FUCKING KNOW – JUST SHOOT ME IN THE KNEE CAP WITH A HIGH CALIBRE RIFLE.
Beer – I am sorry to hear Michael Jackson died. Whilst on the toilet, I have caught myself softly singing “Heal the World”. I’m not sure why, but its most definitely a nostalgic moment.
It hasn’t been widely reported in the media but one-time pop sensation and music video trailblazer, Michael Jackson, died last month, aged 50.
Sausages and I were both big fans of his work at an impressionable time in primary and early high school. His death hit us with a wave of nostalgia. The thing was, for me at least, it was almost like MJ had died a long time ago.
His more recent music was annoying and his physicality brought to mind the unholy union of the Minotaur and a Gorgon.
Here are some things you might not have known about the Moonwalker:
- His father had his first hit single with “Is She Really Going Out With Him” in 1979.
- After Pepsi had a successful advertising campaign that ended with him throwing his hat out in the crowd, the Coca-Cola Company tried to institute a worldwide ban on hats.
- His father batted .307 in the 1917 World Series playing for the Chicago White Sox.
- In honour of his father’s baseball achievements, MJ often wore white socks with sparkly bits.
- For the final shot in Thriller, MJ had his own eyes replaced with those of a giant wolf-cat.
- His favourite film was Carry on Cleo, although he believed Sid James’s best work was in “Bless This House”.
- He liked to prank-call the local constabulary shouting down the phone: “You’ll never catch-me. I’ll punch your tongue out.”
- He considered converting to Islam to convince a local Imam to issue a fatwa against Martin Bashir.
- He named his first son Prince Michael after his adopted father, Prince Nelson, and had all his children tattooed with a little red corvette to prove they were his.
Michael Jackson has left this world but we will always have his greatest gift: The remains of Joseph Merrick tastefully made into a hat and coat. (Continued)
